An open letter to future guests at 512 1/2 Iris

I love where I live. I think everyone loves where I live, because everyone comes over to our house to stay when they're in from the next county over or out of state.

I like having friends come and visit me, but when it gets to be multiple guests for me and my roommates every weekend, it starts to take its toll. Here is an open letter to the future house guests of 512 1/2 Iris. It's not exactly tongue-in-cheek... it's more of a dodeslap-across-face approach... but that kind of brutal honesty is what you can expect from the offensive coordinator of Hotel Iris (aka 512 1/2 Iris). And I'm not just playing bad cop here, I express the sentiment of all residents, so don't kill the messenger.

To our prospective house guests:

Thanks for choosing us as your Southern California destination. We're honored to be your first choice in location and weekend company.

We need to outline a few observations and gentle suggestions (based mostly on common courtesy and common sense) if we are to continue providing quality accommodations and a quality atmosphere:

1. We pay rent for our personal space too. Just because you are the guest of one or two, does not make you the automatic guest of all. Please be conscientious of the personal space of everyone who lives in the apartment. Don't stay in bedrooms that you don't have the express permission of the occupant to use while he is away. Don't use the bathroom for an extended period of time (i.e. the shower) without checking with the roommates to see if they need it before you so they can get to work or another engagement on time. Don't leave your wet towel on the bathroom floor and your cornucopia of personal hygiene products on the counter.

If you are going to use a roommate's belongings, put them back the way you found them. Weights should be put back on the rack, remotes back on the coffee tables, and pillows and blankets where they belong, not just where you found them. XBox stuff brought out to the front room for Rock Band should be returned the way things were before you started your band. DVDs and XBox games should be put in their case, and not just face down on a flat surface. On a weeknight, if one of us has work in the morning, please take your party elsewhere so it doesn't keep one of us up and dreading the normal life we're going to try to lead in the morning.

2. Who keeps stealing my bathroom shiz?? Having an average of 3 guests every weekend takes its toll on the house in general. The bathroom is no exception. We have our own shampoo and soap bottles that have been getting used ten times faster than we would normally use on our own because almost nobody brings their own bathroom supplies. We can't be expected to keep buying this stuff for everyone, and frankly we don't like having to hide our stuff from you on the weekends.

If you don't plan on bringing your own stuff, you should plan on paying us for all that you've used in the past, all that you're going to use, or buy you own and put it somewhere in the bathroom cabinet. We can't guarantee that it won't be used up by your next trip since we seem to have no guarantee on our own bathroom supplies. If you've stayed with us many times, maybe it's not too late to repent and come on your next visit bearing gifts of toilet paper and body wash.

3. These damn bills are getting expensive. Our utilities have gone up significantly with the addition of regular house guests. The water heater gets a much heavier workload with 7 or 8 showers in a day, and since the front of the house gets the least amount of heat, we have to turn up the thermostat for anyone sleeping in there. For January where we had people over every weekend (anywhere from 3 guests to 8 in one weekend) our utility bill more than tripled to $150.00. It's only fair that we start getting some of our "regulars" to pony up and give us something equitable like $5 a night.

4. Your trash is not our treasure. Just because some of us treat the place like we live there (because we do) doesn't mean that you can take that license as a guest and leave your fast food bags and drinks, dirty dishes and Gatorade bottles lying around. We have a hard enough time getting our former roommates to pick up their old mail and furniture. Furthermore, just because you don't live there doesn't mean that it would be unreasonable for you to take out the trash, load or unload the dishwasher. Ever since we started having more people over, we've broken down and hired a maid at an extra $160 a month just to have some sense of decency in the place since nobody wants to clean a bathroom used by 10 different males in the space of a month. If you want to guarantee an open invitation, feel free to chip in to our housekeeping fund and do your part to leave the place cleaner than you found it. There's a vacuum anybody can use to win points with us in a jiffy, it's in the laundry room. Think win-win.

5. It never hurts to ask us. If you're planning on staying the night, let at least two of us know about it in advance. With Facebook, cell phones and text messaging, there is no excuse for not letting us know that you and anyone else plan on coming to pay us a visit. Some of our guests will always have the invite back because they clean up after themselves AND others, bring their own bathroom gear, don't sprawl their personal belongings all over our shared space, and they chip in for the utilities.


I'd like to congratulate Aaron Renfro for being named the 512 1/2 Iris citizen of the Month. Aaron is the ideal house guest ever since we brought these issues to light with him. Not only is he exercising courtesy in all of the aforementioned categories, but he goes above and beyond in driving more than his share in the pimpmobile, as well as recruiting talent for the weekend experience. If you want an open door at 512 1/2 Iris, make like Aaron and pull your weight and add some value to the equation by evening out the sausage ratio you're only exacerbating with your male presence.

Hope you get the point, and don't take it personally.

Thanks,

Tyler Bruford
Offensive Coordinator
512 1/2 Iris